An UNTOLD STORY


This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 32; the thirty-second edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is ‘An Untold Story’

“Doctor come in here quickly, patient number 102 is having a seizure.”, shouted the panicked nurse rushing towards the patient to ease her out and prepare her for the quick response from the doctor.

“Quick, give me Piniko 123 and give her the adrenaline boost.” . Doctor took control of the situation ordering the nurse to help out the patient.

But all the efforts put in by the doctor went down in vain. The patient went into Comatose and lay still like a dead body. Her eyes looked as if she was staring into space and her hands were cold as ice, refusing to move on her wishes. Even though being in coma, nothing changed around the patient’s room. Before passing into coma, Patient 102 used to have a quiet way about her, a walk that wasn’t normal around the hospital. Nobody in the hospital knew her name, address or any personal details. Even the efforts to trace down her family were fruitless. All they knew was that she has been here since last 6 decades of her life and has not spoken even a word. She was found by the Chetanbhai Patel Psychology Hospital and Trust gate 60 years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alka wait. Stop. Right now. No. Don’t do that. Control yourself. continuously shouted her mother whilst trying to control Alka from banging her hand on the side of the door and breaking all the glass and porcelain from the table. The floor had become a mess, mixed up with the broken glass pieces, blood from Alka’s head, all the porcelain that lay shattered on the ground. Alka had always been an aggressive child, and her anger fits did not exactly help her either. SHe often went into rage fits and tried to destroy everything that came in her way. mostly she ended up destroying herself. At times she even attacked her mother, her siblings and all.

This became even more difficult for her mother since her father was a drunkard, jobless and remained out the whole day long. His coming home at night wasn’t welcome either, he would often beat his wife and children mercilessly for no reason in his inebriated state. Due to this the mother had to work double her shifts and also come home and also feed the family and suffer her husband’s blows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What happened alka? Why are you sitting like that crying? said her. mother on seeing alka sitting crouched in the corner of a room weeping.

Maa….Papa…pain…. here…..aaah- said Alka while pointing towards her groin. Alka was only 10 years old. World came crashing down for her mother. She hugged Alka and tried to make her comfortable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who is making all that noise Nurse? asked the doctor. Please have a look.

Yes sir, I will-replied the nurse.

Arriving at the gate, nurse saw a young girl of about 10-12 years old tied to the gate of the hospital crying and struggling herself to free her from the rope. Nurse acted quickly and freed the poor girl. Giving her food and shelter she asked the girl about various questions. But no answer came. The only response she got was from the continuous wailing. Nurse however did manage to stop her crying, but failed to get any response from her.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What happened to the patient 102 nurse?

She has left the world sir. She passed away from coma yesterday night.

May her soul rest in peace. Have you found anything about her family member whatsoever?

I tried a lot sir, but failed every time. She would not speak a word. We don’t even know her name.

Ohh. Her story will always remain an UNTOLD STORY.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Participation Count: 04

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39 thoughts on “An UNTOLD STORY

  1. Nice attempt to build a mystery around that girl.But you know mystery works well when nobody knows some things. In yours it feels the characters in your story know about her but not the readers. That makes it feel more like an incomplete story but not an unknown story. Kind of fits the title untold story in the sense that you have chosen not to tell the story. But it is more enjoyable if readers shares mystery with characters in story rather than only the reader being in the dark.

  2. I love the idea of the story and the narrative structure you choose; but I’ve my complains with how it turned out.

    Anyways, what’s with the central character bein pt# 104 in the beginning and 102 in the end? I’m assumin it’s typo or is it another story/character?

    • So everything about her does remain an untold story! Guess it fits the title perfectly but it makes me wanting to find out more about her! Best wishes for BAT!

      • Sure I can dude. But I can get very nitpicky – not sure if you can handle it.

        Here’s the gist of it: the story comes off as very incoherent. The reader is taken through different points in the story, without having any clue of the chronology. And some assumptions you make come off as very outlandish and undo the piece.

        Anyways, tell me this – if you expect to be read, don’t you think you should read too?

        • I wrote the story as it is because I wanted the readers to know that how then paste was affecting the present of alka. Let me Clear it out for you. Alka is the patient who dies. Whatever her father did to her affected her soo much that she was crippled mentally for the rest of her life. I wanted to highlight how the children suffer when exposed to such attacks.

          And I do read. I haven’t exactly got the time for reading all the entries because of the internals and the submissions I have at college. I plan to check them out on Sunday.

          • Yes, it ain’t difficult to capture that much. But it needs to be a bit clearer – like, I don’t know if part 2 (child’s crazy behaviour) happened before or after part 3 (the father’s attack). Either order is plausible and possible.

              • Yes the whole ‘fit’ [maybe epilepsy] angle doesn’t come off very clearly. Like I said, the chronology is not clear – so the reader can obviously think what you’ve written or might think that her father’s behaviour has deranged her completely [here’s where part 3 happens after part 2]

                From a short story (almost flash fiction), this clarity is expected. Unless you deliberately wanted your readers to get frustrated without clarity arnd your story [Obviously, these are just my views]

                I’ve more – but I’d rather let you get back to your internals and examinations 😐

                • Why doesn’t it? I mean the girl was already suffering from her frequent fits, and then along the line came his father’s actions which even more subdued her. She was already a victim of sorts, but her father’s actions intimidated her even more.

                  I would love to hear all your doubts/views. 🙂

                  • You say ‘anger fits’ and ‘rage fits’ – so, I didn’t read it as biological abnormality. I read it as just ‘mental behaviour’.

                    And then you say ‘father left the family’. In the next part, father does something to the girl – so I was wondering who on earth was this man, if the father had already left. I was, ‘what he came back, just to do this!’

                    Putting these two together – I felt that this father did something really really nasty to the kid, later abandoned her & family. And as a scar of that incident, Alka goes crazy.
                    That’s my mind working and essentially rewriting YOUR story. It’s not what YOU intended. And that’s what I mean, when I say piece lacks coherence. As I reader, I feel the writer didn’t have a grip on what he/she is narrating.
                    Adding to my woe, is the narrative structure. This kind, where u show story at different points in time, is always read and interpreted sequentially. To me, it didn’t tie on well.

                    Now the more bit:
                    1. 60 years! Are you frigging kidding me!! Who takes care of ‘unknown’ people for 60 years? “Coma” patients are pretty expensive/laborious to care for. Very difficult to fathom (not impossible, just very difficult)

                    2. The kid is tied to the hospital gate, she is wailing; and nurse comes after culprit has fled. This culprit was a superhuman or mayhaps the kid was not conscious when she was being tied or mybe something else…..the thing is, there is hole here in the plot. As a writer you didn’t choose to tell me what transpired; as I reader I choose to lambast you for it.

                    3. I accept the bit that ‘all efforts to find out the kids family details’ didn’t succeed; but I’m have trouble accepting it. For some reasons. But like I said, I accept it, so let’s not dive in there.

                    4. If a patient has remained at an institution for so long, irrespective of her details being unknown, the least I expect of the hospital staff is give her a nickname. Patient 102 sounds very callous. If those people are callous, why did take care of her for so long?

                    These are very simple/subtle things [Obviously my views]. But they decrease the enjoyability of the writing. It makes the reader feel that writer doesn’t have an idea of what he is talking about – the plot ain’t water-tight. You don’t characterize, you don’t layout your theme/philosophy at the outset – that implies this is a story where plot is of utmost importance. So when it fails, I’m let down.

                    Like I said, I get very detailed in comments/reviews.

                    I like excuses for laziness, I have my own set. I can’t force u to read all entries, but I can definitely ask you to read mine. And given my comments, would definitely love to hear your thoughts on my work. I can promise you, you’ll enjoy my entry.

                    • WOAH!! First of all let me thank for the detailed pointing out of errors. I crave for such comments. 🙂

                      Another loose end. 😦 I need to proof-read my stories more often now, I guess. I shall have it edited by tomorrow.

                      Regarding your points.

                      1- Yes. For 60 years. It is a mental hospital. Patients stay there usually for long durations of time. I think I needed to enter a line about the hospital being a charity organisation too.

                      2-Well, it would be obvious that her mother would have dropped the kid. The child always feels safe in the company of his/her parents. Therefore Alka trusted her mom where she was being led. once Alka was asleep, her mother tied her to the side of the gate and fled. When Alka woke up the next morning she found herself alone and thus the noise. I intended the reader to understand this part.

                      3-Your wish. 🙂

                      4- The doctors often remain strict and address the patients by their number or the kind of disease they are facing. That is why the callousness as you say it.

                      I agree that there have been loads of errors, which I do intend to correct and work upon as I keep on writing.

                      It was not an excuse for laziness. From the last BAT, I have started visiting and commenting on each post submitted on the contest. You can check out the entries as well. This time the voting is till 17th october, hence I will visit the entries on weekends, so that I can read them leisurely and hence absorbing whatever the author want’s to say.

                    • The mother leaving her kid: read what you wrote in part 2 & 3. Doesn’t she come across as a caring mother? Despite hardships, it’s tough to believe that a ‘mother’ abandoned her child. Your hint of ‘having 4 mouths to feed’ just shows the mother’s level of difficulty. It doesn’t logically lead to a ‘mother’ deciding to abandon her child.

                      I did think of her mother leaving her there…infact I imagined quite a few possibilities of Alka getting there. I understand that the theme was an ‘untold’ story. But to me this was more of an ‘incomplete’ story as the author clearly wanted to tell Alka’s story.

                      And man, do something about that father. ‘Father abandons’ and the next part ‘father’ does something to the child…..major disconnect.

                      I agree to your bits on 60 years and ‘professional’ doctors – but a bit of colour (charity orgn.) would have made it nice to read.

  3. The concept is good but I suppose the details are little sketchy. For example, when did the story happen? Sixty years ago- you say. Can any hospital in this country take care of an unknown woman for sixty years without anyone providing for the bills? Well, it it is so – then I am glad about the health system in this county. Also, there are police and courts when an identified child is found – but there is no mention of those in the story. The hospital just can’t keep any child like that!! And what about the Mother – did she not search for the daughter? If she did not – I understand, her circumstances were like that! But so many questions remain about the story !!

    Sorry, this is not to discourage you but you have a great potential and I am sure next time you would do justice to your potential. All the best for more writing!!

  4. As a reader I wish to read more.. the story could have offered more..but it is a different portrayal of the theme 🙂 a nice attempt.. All the very best 🙂 for BAT32.. 🙂

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